I had no idea what was going on.
A few weeks ago, somewhere near the end of July, I pulled into the parking lot a few minutes before 8:00 AM. My heart was pounding in my chest, I was breathing really rapidly, and I felt this terrible tensing sensation in my back and shoulders. I had no idea what was going on. I had never experienced anything like this.
As I sat in my parked car, I focused entirely on slowing down my breathing. I took some deep, slow breaths before noticing the others in the parking lot around me.
I turned off the car, grabbed my backpack, and walked into work. As I got started with my work day, I was distracted as I wondered what on earth had just happened. As the day went on, I felt a “fog”. I couldn’t focus on what I needed to be doing. If I got off task, getting started again seemed to take forever.
By about the middle of the day this fog had cleared. I was able to work as normal. I wasn’t sure what I had experienced that morning, but I was glad it was over.
I would have that same experience over and over again throughout the rest of July and much of August. It was not random. I only experienced this between the time I dropped my kids off and arriving at work.
Each day would come at varying degrees. Some days I simply felt some “normal” level of anxiety. Often, I felt this heart pounding, body tensing fear. One day in particular, about two weeks in to this, I decided to take a different route to work. As I got near downtown, this route took me under an interstate viaduct. There was a man panhandling at the corner. I probably cross a panhandler every single day. However this time, my mind immediately imagined this person dropping his sign and sprinting straight at my door. I imagined him trying to get into the car, threatening me, and then robbing me. Obviously, this didn’t happen.
That’s when I knew something was wrong and I really needed some help.
I really didn’t want to write about this. The counselor who has been struggling with anxiety and fear, who wants to read anything from that guy? Even just typing that last sentence exposes to anyone who reads this of the reality of my own pride. It’s a pride that says “if you’re going to help people, you can’t struggle; you at least can’t let them know.” I know that’s wrong.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Paul writes
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
So here I am. Trying to set aside my pride and just write something honest. May God be proven to be the strong one. Also, I just like writing and while I haven’t written much lately, I’m convinced that my best writing happens when I’m vulnerable.
A while back I wrote about a pretty crazy experience that happened at work. I used it as a metaphor for sin. I wrote that post in March, just a few weeks after that event happened. Yet despite how crazy it sounds, I had nearly forgotten about it because of the countless events just like it that have occurred since then. This has been true for years. So, I suppose those events are catching up to me. Pulling into the parking lot of work triggered a huge wave of anxiety throughout my body that my mind didn’t even know was there.
In my time as a biblical counselor, I’ve met with people who have experienced all sorts of problems. I’ve walked alongside people who have felt this type of fear and lack of control. I’ve seen how scary and acute the pain can be, especially when this anxiety affects their bodies. I had experienced anxiety of course, but I hadn’t experienced it in the way that many of the people I counseled had. Yet, I knew the truth of God. I knew that God would bring people conviction and comfort through his Word. I am grateful to say that I’ve seen that to be the case.
And while I’ve worked with so many people dealing with anxiety, I had never considered myself an anxious person. In fact, if you asked most of the people who know me best, I think they would say the same. And that is why this experience has been so unsettling to me. “Why now, God?” is a question I have found myself asking. I’ll get to some potential answers to that question in a bit.
I started out by asking people to pray for me. I asked my wife, I asked a close friend, then I asked my pastor, then I asked my Sunday School class. Then finally, I signed up for counseling myself.
Why now God?
I’m going to go outright and say it, I don’t know why God has chosen now as the appointed for me to go through this. But, here is a brief list of some of the things he has taught me (through counseling, sermons, scripture reading, prayer, etc):
It revealed a heart that was glad to have not struggled with anxiety in the way that some others have.
It revealed a desire to take control of things that are God’s responsibility, not mine.
It revealed a tendency to avoid things that actually are my responsibility.
It revealed my regular temptation to approach life upon my own strength. To pursue God in prayer after the fact.
It revealed how much more patience God has for me than I realized.
It has taught me much, much more about God’s goodness, his kindness, and his care for me as his child than I ever first expected could be the case from a situation that was so unsettling.
Honestly, in a way, I’m glad that I’m going through this. I still get anxious in the parking lot sometimes. I’m not exactly glad for those moments. But I am glad that God has used this in my life to reveal my great need for him with fresh eyes.
The invitation from Jesus “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest” sounds pretty good right now. So I’m resting in his love. I’ve found comfort in Christ through my weakness.
Are you struggling too? Turn toward truth. Turn to Christ. He won’t turn you away. Find his strength through your weakness.
Do you need a counselor to help with anxiety or something else? Anchored Hope offers Christ-centered, compassionate care from clinically informed and highly trained counselors. I’m both a client and counselor there, too.